4:30 On a Sunday Morning
Heaven failed
Heaven failed
How can I be left like this
How can this be it
The end
I've been bleeding
Inside
But now it's external
I'm laying in the dark
Losing strength
How did this happen
How did I do this
My head lolls to the side
I'm watching the sun rising
I've been waiting for morning
For hours
Not deep enough
For a quick collapse
But meaningful enough
To terminate my many years of pain
Heaven failed
It all failed
I've nearly failed
Again
I feel like a rag doll
With human eyes
I know what's happening
But I can't feel
My whole body
Numb
I see
I can see
But the only feeling I have
Is that of emotions
No senses left
But my sight
All the noise
The music
The clamor used to cover my sobs
To cover my screams
To cover the tearing sound of my flesh
To distort my thoughts
To camouflage my memories
Wait
I'm wrong
I can smell
Dying smells like
It all smells like
Violets
Deep plum orchids
Amethyst irises
Lilacs
Lavender tulips
A huge, beautiful, purple sky
Death smells purple
So happy
I can taste it
Death tastes like
It tastes like
Being a child
A park
Sitting on swings
At 2 A.M.
It tastes like being with friends
And walking late at night
Down the streets
In a light rain
Just to see if there's anything left
Anything to discover
In the same familiar, worn-out, torn apart city
In the same proverbial, exhausted, old town
But finding nothing
It tastes like
Disappointment
But comfort in that disappointment
Knowing you know all you need
To walk the familiar streets
Vanishing is purple comforting disappointment
I giggle
I've always liked blue, personally
But purple is so pretty
Everything's starting to fade
Heaven failed
Heaven failed
Save me
Heaven failed
If heaven can't
Then no one can
Save me
Tell them
To cover my casket
With amethyst irises
Deep plum orchids
Pretty purple tulips
Oh
And don't forget
Around my grave
Plant some lilacs
And violets
Lots of violets
So everyone knows
Heaven failed
Failed for me
By: Candice
© 2003 Candice(All rights reserved)
Phoenix
Pain persistent
Endless
Relentless
Like a bird
Trying to escape its cage
It's binding
My pain
It wants an escape
To be released
It's burning
Smoldering
Searing through my flesh
And like that bird
It's screaming
Pleading
Demanding to be unconfined
To be released
To flow freely
Shrieking
In my veins
My channels containing the ache
The unwavering scalding sensation
Bound
I'm bound
By its being lashed to me
I can’t be free
I will never be free
As long as it is captive
Within me
Phoenix
Within me
My fire-bound internal banshee
By: Candice
© 2003 Candice(All rights reserved)
Batism
I open my eyes
My hands feel aimlessly
Nothing to see here
But endless, deep blues
And greens
And grays
And an abundance of black
Below me
The black abyss
Above me
The cold blues and greens
I see something flit by
I recoil
Only shock
Perhaps terror
Jolts me
I gasp
But no air
Only water
I feel the tiny
Cold shards of glass
In my lungs
Now the cutting cold
Is more apparent
The numbing chill
The water
Biting my skin
I try to reach the surface
But something's holding me down
No
Not now
Let go
Let me breathe
I inhale again
Useless
Why try?
Oh God
I'm drowning again
In your lies
By: Candice
© 2003 Candice(All rights reserved)
HATE
I hate you.
I hate me.
I hate you for loving me.
I hate me for allowing you to love me.
I hate you for loving life.
I hate me for loving you.
I hate you for your dishonesty.
I hate me for my inability to cope with change.
I hate you for your constant lies.
I hate me for my trust and belief.
I hate you for being so cruel.
I hate myself for accepting that cruelty.
I hate you because of your perfect home.
I hate me for envying your life.
I hate you for your damn future.
I hate me for believing I could have had a future.
I hate you and your constant suspicion.
I hate me and my lack of helping relieve it.
I hate you so much.
I hate me for letting that hate show.
I hate you.
But more importantly, I hate me for hating you.
By: Candice
© 2003 Candice(All rights reserved)
Perfect World
Pretty pink flowers
Under a yellow sun
Beaming down
Fluffy white clouds
In an endless blue sky
Tall, beautiful trees
Reaching far above my head
And the thick, green grass
All set ablaze
The setting for the perfect world
Burning
The sun melting
Like cheap yellow plastic
Into the flames
The flowers wilting
In the heat
The clouds
Blackened by the smoke
This is my world
The charred, barren ground
The dark clouds
The trees, only skeletons
No sun
No light
This is what I've made for myself
A place of hate
Of anger and truth
No sugar coating
No lies
The bare bones
Of what the world
Originally was
Black
Cold
Alone
So, please
Join me
Take a seat on the ground
And we can talk
About how perfect
Your fake
Trashy
Superficial world
Really is
By: Candice
© 2003 Candice(All rights reserved)
~Untitled~
Everyone is born an angel
White feathered wings
And with every hurt
A feather loses its place
Every lie
A feather falls
Every insult
A feather floats
Every manipulation, deception, and jealousy
A flurry
A storm of soft white hate
Until their wings are bare
And all they're left with
Is the skeleton of the love they once knew
By: Candice
© 2002 Candice(All rights reserved)
~Down To Flames~
I sit alone
Surrounded by the smoldering embers
Enveloped in the rising smoke
Dwelling in the midst of the ruins
What has been my life
Has been destroyed
Everything I loved
Everything I knew
Everything I trusted
Gone
And now I sit
And inhale the smoke
It can only make me stronger
By: Candice
© 2002 Candice(All rights reserved)
Daddy's Little Girl
Daddy's little girl
That's what I used to be
But now I sit
With tears in my eyes
Crying
Wondering what happened to us
Wondering why hate is such a strong word
Wondering how two people can drift so far apart
And I don't understand it
Why you hate the person I am
Why you can not understand
You can't control me anymore
I'm not a child anymore
I'm my own person
I dress how I want
I act as I want
I am who I want to be
Just because I don't conform
You ignore me
Just because I have my own point of view
You don't try to see from it
I guess I should thank you
For not being there
For not helping
For not caring
And I let out a little giggle between sobs
Thank you
It was for the better that you weren't there
You weren't there for my proudest moments
You weren't there when I was in desperate need of help
You weren't there at all
I was daddy's little girl
And I must admit
I miss that title
But I'll never miss it as much as I miss you
Never as much as sitting on your lap
Never as much as crawling in your bed when I was scared
Never as much as simple conversations
Never as much as laughing with you
Now I reminisce
And I know we will never be like that again
We can't talk
We can't laugh
We can't smile
And I know what I was
And I know what I'll never be again
Daddy's little girl
By: Candice
© 2002 Candice(All rights reserved)
Bitten
Celestial desire
A burning want
Knowing something's not right
Wanting a remedy for the disease
On the prowl each night
I've become a predator
The want is incredible
The need cannot be denied
Beating in my veins
Like a ritualistic drum
Quick
Steady
Unforgiving
It cannot be trusted
I cannot be trusted
Don't trust me
My eyes may lure
But turn away
My lips are crimson
But with another's blood
But I cannot change what I am
Forced to feel immortal life
Punished for all eternity
By: Candice
© 2002 Candice(All rights reserved)
The Looking Glass
Then I look into the mirror and see a face I know too well.
I hate the face that stares back at me through the looking glass.
The face then shatters and the shards fall at my feet.
I take a piece of my broken face.
It's now when the demons take control; it's now when someone finds me to bring the insanity to an end.
It's now when they put me back in my bed.
But today no one is here, no one heard the crash of the glass shattering on the floor, and, this time, no one comes to stop me from doing what they fear the most.
The demons are all I can hear; their taunting laughter is all I can focus on.
They take control of my hands.
I peer into the shard of glass in my hands and all I see is eyes, my lost, scared eyes.
The eyes with the demons swirling behind them.
Thry're inside my head, inside my mind.
The eyes blurr as the tears come, falling onto the glass.
The the demons decide to end the cruel game.
They take my hands and cut me with the glass, they cut my arms, my wrists, anything that they seem to find.
The stinging pain seems to fade, running out of me with my blood.
The crimson pool starts to form around me.
Those demons close the eyes that they once looked out of.
When you find me you'll feel the pain, but never as much pain as I felt.
You'll cry for me, but never as many tears as I cried.
You'll feel the sadness and depression, but never at the levels that I felt them, that indescribable pain of existing.
You see, you'll never have the demons, that depression that pushed me to the edge.
You'll never know the demons that knew I couldn't jump off that edge alone, so they pushed me.
You'll ask all the same questions that everyone will be thinking and to appease your mind, you'll find something else to blame.
You'll say it was druygs and addiction, family, friends, or lack there of.
But the truth will always be inside you, because never again will you hear my laughter, the lie that it was, or my singing, my only escape.
The truth will gnaw at you, haunt your mind.
The truth will be that you never knew me, and now that it's too late, you never will.
By: Candice
© 2001 Candice(All rights reserved)
Back